Saturday, October 13, 2007
I've never loved anyone...
… more than I love myself. These are the words Snowie used to described me. And indeed, I started to think about what has been going on in my life. I am so afraid of being hurt, that even though I have not got hurt, I would start blaming it on something and feel depressed and sad about it.
She asked me, if one day he met with an accident, lost both his legs and could never walk again for the rest of his life, would I still be by his side, to care for him and bring him to every place, for all my life? My face went blank. I realised I cannot associate him with any one I knew. Suddenly, there was emptiness in my heart. My heart belonged to nobody. And I had no one's. If I did have someone, I would not have loved him so deeply that I could make up with such a sacrifice.
That's because I am too selfish. Forever putting my own interests first in line. I don't want to make sacrifices. But I expect others to do that for me. Or rather, I think I have done more than enough that I find it unbalanced or unfair if someone else did less.
I have not experience being in love. Because what I ever had is desire. I desire a person that I would picture my life to be complete if I could be with him. Nothing else mattered. This is dumbfound foolishness because in reality, everything matters. Everything from status, finance/wealth, background, character, personality. Sometimes, money does buy happiness. Not the purest of happiness, but enough to enjoy a comfortable and luxurious life.
My ideal partner is someone who is well-educated, brought up in a well-respected family, have funds for a matrimonial home, automobile, children's education and upbringing and my shopping needs. Apart from that, he must be caring, understanding, not too sensitive, able to protect and stand up for me, shower me with love/romantic and puts family first before everything else.
This idealism can only be created with the help of a 3D modelling software and given such traits and attributes in Second Life. Sadly, there is no Mr. Perfect. Why do I keep waiting for something that I have no idea whether it exists? That's because I love myself so much, I just want the best.
She asked me, if one day he met with an accident, lost both his legs and could never walk again for the rest of his life, would I still be by his side, to care for him and bring him to every place, for all my life? My face went blank. I realised I cannot associate him with any one I knew. Suddenly, there was emptiness in my heart. My heart belonged to nobody. And I had no one's. If I did have someone, I would not have loved him so deeply that I could make up with such a sacrifice.
That's because I am too selfish. Forever putting my own interests first in line. I don't want to make sacrifices. But I expect others to do that for me. Or rather, I think I have done more than enough that I find it unbalanced or unfair if someone else did less.
I have not experience being in love. Because what I ever had is desire. I desire a person that I would picture my life to be complete if I could be with him. Nothing else mattered. This is dumbfound foolishness because in reality, everything matters. Everything from status, finance/wealth, background, character, personality. Sometimes, money does buy happiness. Not the purest of happiness, but enough to enjoy a comfortable and luxurious life.
My ideal partner is someone who is well-educated, brought up in a well-respected family, have funds for a matrimonial home, automobile, children's education and upbringing and my shopping needs. Apart from that, he must be caring, understanding, not too sensitive, able to protect and stand up for me, shower me with love/romantic and puts family first before everything else.
This idealism can only be created with the help of a 3D modelling software and given such traits and attributes in Second Life. Sadly, there is no Mr. Perfect. Why do I keep waiting for something that I have no idea whether it exists? That's because I love myself so much, I just want the best.
